Life on Jaye Street

There are several things I believe in life.

I believe that most of life’s everyday problems can be solved with a wine cork, duct tape, a tide stick, handi-wipes, bottled water and a tube of lipstick.

Case and point.

A wine cork can be used to fix a broken sprinkler head when you realize that you (again) hit the stupidly placed fountain of water in your driveway for the 4th time and don’t want to have to explain it to the man of the house. Don’t bother using the cork for your open bottle of wine. There is no such thing.

Duct tape doesn’t need an explanation — both men and women understand the importance of duct tape.

Tide stick – cures the unfortunate, ill timed stains on the front of your business suit or your white shirt.

Bottled water – Shouldn’t need explanation. Especially if for some reason you don’t have handiwipes (or vice versa).

A tube of lipstick. Well, it always makes a woman feel better, that’s a fact. However, next time you are at the gas station and the “hold” lever on the gas pump is broken, just slide a tube of lipstick in there and it will hold the gas pump in place until it’s done. Voila (You’re welcome!)

Ibuprofen is another great staple.

I believe you can tell a lot about a man by his relationship with his mother. You can tell volumes about a person by the way they drive and the way they treat wait staff of any kind.

I believe that (if possible) you should never date a man whose ass is smaller than yours. If life switches you down the road — that’s A OK. I’m just sayin’. Further – a man needs to have a really (REALLY) great reason for waxing his legs. That’s just regularly painful, expensive and fucking high maintenance. Sorry to offend those who do, but it seems…well, I already said it….HIGH MAINTENANCE. And if they shave their chest hair….well, consult a therapist.

I believe in Karma. I believe in paying it forward. I believe in a higher being (it would suck to die and realize you were wrong and He was right).

I believe in church. I do not have great memories from childhood of the Catholic church, but I believe that most things improve with age. I actually have better memories of the Mormon church. My mama’s best friend was Mormon, one of my earliest best friends from 3rd grade was Mormon and I would attend church with her family on a regular basis. My best friend while my son was in grammar school was Mormon. We were tight as sisters and I would bless myself (Father, Son and the Holy Ghost) before diving into her scripture candy jar. She would check with me if she thought she was being too conservative with her kids, and I would check with her if I thought I was not being strict enough. We adopted several rules in our non-Mormon house – no electronics (computer/TV) in the bedrooms, no stronger than PG movies/shows in the house (sayonara “The Simpsons”) and, bless her heart, “No, I do not allow my 10 year old child to drop the F bomb.” Odd numbers for male and female get togethers. Having your daughter wear granny panties on a date in case she had any desire to “drop trou”. This all made perfectly good sense to me. The problem is I would have to quit drinking and swearing and start wearing knickers with a matching camisole. I’ve been told (this IS a fact) that I would make a great Mormon. I digress. It you want to get involved in a church, go church shopping. They expect you. When you appear at a brand new church with your spouse and three young children, you stand out, the congregation welcomes you and comes to you telling you of their own church shopping stories (which were absolutely hilarious).

I believe in forgiveness, but I also believe that there are certain people in this world that will never learn the appropriate boundaries. When you find yourself in a tight spot in your life with these people who suck the life out of you, your friends and your immediate family (in fact they may be part of your immediate family), it is ok to show them the exit door on your bus. You may have to spend over an hour convincing them (while you are at work) that the break-up is good and just, but sometimes you just have to DO IT.

You probably already know this if you read my blogs, but I believe in a good bra. I also believe in modesty. That doesn’t mean you can’t exercise being scantily clad, but there is a time and a place for it and it generally isn’t on Instagram or Snapchat.

I believe in Planned Parenthood. They are a staple for young adolescents and adults without insurance. I always believed that if, God forbid, I ended up single and pregnant under the age of 18, I would have to make a very very difficult decision, but that if I was over 18 (and still single), my responsibility would be to raise the child to the best of my ability. I thank God for all of the mishaps I had that I never had to make either of those decisions. I know others who did have to make those decisions. There is no judgment. My heart grieves for them.

I believe in sex at least once a week. It cures just about every ailment making you look like a million bucks.

I have learned the hard way, but I believe in transparency in a relationship. The little white lies that are joked about in marriages — they really aren’t funny. Fess up. Talk about it. If you have to return the shoes, return the shoes. However, feel free to lie about your weight at the DMV and the amount of alcohol you drink to your local primary care doctor.

I believe in loving your children and your partner and reminding them as much as possible how awesome they are. That doesn’t mean I get it right all of the time, but it is not for lack of intent.

I believe that you can have friends/family for decades and you never miss a beat, but you meet someone new (and sometimes they are even family) and you feel like you have known them forever, it’s kismet.

I believe in ghosts, I believe in those who have passed before us that still send us signs that they are here. I don’t believe in wives tales. My mom was at 100% before she used her wives tale on me (the classic “determine how many and what sex children you would have”), which was an utter failure on her only daughter.

I believe in following your heart, but using your head. Reaching for the stars while keeping your feet on the ground. I believe in flexibility and forgiveness. Life, in general, is not rigid.

I think I’ve covered my general scope of daily life. I’m sure ramblings will come to me in the middle of the night causing me hours of insomnia, but for now, this is all is have.

Peace out.

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