I am embarrassed to admit this, but I don’t recall how we met. I would imagine my mama introduced us as I’m sure you had the same love affair with her (In fact, I’m most certain of it). I am more embarrassed to admit that I am as hot for you now as the first day we met (if I could remember that day). Our first kiss has never waned and is as satisfying as ever and our last kiss bittersweet.
Your ability to morph yourself depending on my mood is impressive, more impressive than any man I have ever met. My children love you, my boyfriend loves you, my gay ex-husband loves you. Even my unfiltered, ill behaved mother in law loved you – your ability to maintain so many loyal dance partners puts you up in the Carly Simon description of You’re So Vain, especially when those closest to me know that I don’t share well. However, I no longer can continue this relationship that leaves me feeling guilty, depressed and nearing physical withdrawals.
I will miss your funny faces and how you roll yourself up into different positions always keeping me surprised. You love for spicing up our relationship bringing creamy concoctions to our intimate romps, the salty taste you leave on my lips. You make me ache for seafood, vegetables and ranch dressing.
I’ve tried everything I can imagine to keep you in my life, but the hard truth is it has come down to you or wine, and while I can’t cuddle, nibble and taste wine on my lips at all times of the day like I can with you, it’s a choice I have to make. I have tried to substitute others for our relationship – but it’s just not working. You see, I have over 20 pounds to lose. I’m walking the dogs an hour a day to be followed by another hour of Insanity, Tae Bo, HIIT training and I’m just plain tired. My metabolism just isn’t what it used to be. We need a break.
So, for now, it’s good bye. Perhaps, after I can get myself back together at a date weight acceptable form, we can rendezvous once or twice a month, but it is with great sadness that I leave you here, still in the sack.
Potato Chips, Tortilla chips, Sun chips, Pita chips – I’m breaking up with you.