One Night Stands

Am I the only person who has never had a successful one night stand?

My John’s first question, “Define Success?”

A successful one night stand is a roll in the hay with someone you just met that you either slither out of said someone’s apartment at 3:00 am with the proverbial hair fuck calling for a taxi, or you actually wake up the next morning and greet each other with hello, then good by, and go on your merry way…..NO STRINGS ATTACHED. There could also be the one weekend stand wherein you are in another City/State, meet someone you are attracted to, listen to old Rod Stewart, drink double mai tais from a large Buddha glass with two straws, have the roll in the hay, then board an airplane home on Sunday evening, again on your merry way, everyone’s happy. NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

I have had a handful (bad pun) of UNsuccessful one night stands. Even back before the internet and cell phones, my one night stands turned into “How to lose a guy in 10 days”. Perhaps it was the small town which made it virtually unavoidable to NOT run into people. Take note: never have a one night stand with a guy who is over 6’5”. They can spot your 5’6” frame in a heartbeat across a crowded Top Flight/ Madison Bear Garden/Graduate Dance Floor (even worse when you made the mistake of dancing ON the table (everyone did it) wherein you were even easier to spot).

Fast forward to dating via Match.com. I guess it is silly to think you could have a one night stand with a person you have been communicating with via internet/cell phones, but there is always that slight hope. I mean, men hope for this all of the time, right?? Next thing you know, while it was a great roll in the hay, you realized he isn’t all that and the next thing you know he is professing his love and commitment. WTF? You are then slathered in text messages of “We can work it out.”, “I’ve waited my whole life for you”, “I didn’t mean to freak out and drop my shit over my grandmother’s missing meatloaf pan.” Where did the Stage Three Klingon come from?

Now, before you think I’m a complete heartless slut who sleeps around, let me remind you that I was married for almost 23 years (actually, truthfully, almost 25 as the divorce was JUST finalized). So I guess you could technically state my last two years I have been a complete adulteress in my relationship with My John (but I digress).

I HAVE been on the other side of this coin. A few FWBs (friends with benefits for your non-hipsters) that didn’t go as I would have hoped, but in retrospect I am highly thankful for. Is it ok to Praise God for HIM not committing you to a relationship after a couple of great evenings, a few rolls in the hay without being in a martial relationship? It probably isn’t, but I am still thankful to Him, which will be added to the list of why I will be spending eternity at what I imagine to be a speak easy table for four in the smoky corner of Satan’s Den with my closest friends drinking copious amounts of alcohol, trying to remember the name of the guy who dropped his shit over the meatloaf pan. I also imagine I will be there with my Besty’s joking about My John, the fornication helmet and the fact that I keep my sex toys in my mother’s urn bag.

At the end of the day, my bigger hope is that God has a great sense of humor and can appreciate a few flaws in our human characters and that I can sit at a garden table for four which would actually be in the setting of Under the Tucson Sun where my closest dear friends (and My John) alternatively close our other eye and watch the wine glass/bottle shift from left to right and giggle and laugh and drive crazy convertible small cars and eat Italian food without fear of weight gain.

Just keeping it real. Thanks for reading.

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